7 July 2009: I need to serenade myself

The past couple have days have been extremely stressful and mentally, emotionally draining. I dreamt of a hurricane destroying an out door school. In my dream who was I?

Definitely a potential victim.

What I believe this means is that my unstable mental/emotional side that has been inactive side for quite sometime has been dormant and emerged at random through frustrations in life.

In what avenue? self-destructive “partying”.

What I’ve been frustrated with? Finding an avenue of expression. Two days ago I found myself scribbling on a pad. The moment I found aesthetic in arbitrary circles, scratch marks, and lines I felt the desire to put it on canvas.

Have I been daunted by the idea that my relative purpose in life is to pursue a completely unpractical occupation? I think so.

My identity in comparison to most- is very difficult to sustain.

I feel like I’m not making enough (money) to support my expression. I used to draw. Then I stopped because I saw no room for success. I used to produce my own music- then I stopped because of creative blocks. I cannot continue without constant change or I become flighty-ironically so.

Conversely, if I do find a way to be making money to support my drive- will this socially acceptable job consume me and deter me from continuing on my righteous path?

I am taking next semester off. The time I spent abroad last time was so rich that it changed my way of thinking, it changed my soul, it changed my bare bones, it gave me a spine.

Today I was not depressed but I felt stagnant. At work I was washing one of the delivery cars while a Mexican man and woman were at the dumpster near-by looking through garbage for cardboard boxes.

He said, “My friend. How are you doing?”

“Not too bad, man. It’s not that hot, I love it.” I replied.

“Even if it was my friend, it’s beautiful. It’s a beautiful day. That we are living. Some one dies everyday.”

I agreed softly. Just then water from the hose hit the floor and splashed my shoes.

I thought: FUCK- these are suede. I was about to trip out-

then I stopped and didn’t. I finished washing the car in peace.

He’ll never realize his impact.

I hope I am/will be as moving as he.

[step 1: Ingredient 1- Intensity/Adrenaline/Movement Source- being abroad

             Ingredient 2- Honesty

step 2: No more drugs or alcohol

step 3: Play more acoustic guitar]

I need to serenade myself.