My own advice to myself

I try and be the best that I can be. I truly aspire in every sense.

But I need to give myself more credit.

 

I’m patting myself on the back from now on.

Bitches are still objects

As a child- a very young one at that- I used to sit in the shower and imagine that the world was full of dominant beasts pushing me down. I developed a complex form of inferiority. I grew to adopt this expectancy of oppression and began thinking of the futility of living in a world like this. But this was all imagined. I was always troubled by a world that was never present- one that I had projected.

As a pre-pubescent and adolescent I imagined the dark world of adulthood. The weighty problems of being over 20 and able to bring life into the world. The complex issues that these individuals go through caused me grief to say the least. The sticky, dry, overly-sophisticated and political laws of love at this age baffled me. These archetypes lived as dark shadows and mysterious unfinished-unresolved stories in the back of my mind.

I imagined the tenacious grasp of true addiction among a lost 25 year old. A desperately lonely twenty-something female. The hopeless romantic. The depressive girl, the stoned couch-potato, the still undecided grown boys and girls. Above all: the let-go.

I’ve seen the alpha male in all stages. The most dominant in the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.

Bitches will follow the most dominant.

I’ve been torn down by the fear of unconscious live-ers.

I’ve feared a world that does not exist.

I’ve surpassed all that exists on real-time.

I have sharpened my sword in preparation of a battle too large to be actual.

Real opponents cannot compare to my imagined foes.

The Real world is full of dominant beasts that cannot push me down. I am above them.

They may pull but will never succeed to submerge.

Let the whole world know my name.

A little more about myself.

"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him... a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create -- so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating."

-Pearl S. Buck

 

thank you thank you thank you…

My Wardrobe

I have changed attire and dismantled- no wrecked my model life.

I have changed shades and form.

My old skin is folded to be donated.

There is not an ounce of “fun” that I seek or remember.

My wardrobe has changed.

My fun is less fun and more joy.

The colors of Monday are no longer black and Friday no longer sits

on plush velvet fabrics in ivory dens.

All days are beautiful and no time is taboo.

Friday is not for debauchery and neither is Tuesday.

My good time remains not in clubs and bars-for they act as such.

Bars before my reward and a club to my head.

Show me a bar without a fight.

Show me a man without false pride.

Show me a human that does not lack self-love.

Introduce me to a woman who is not a cunt.

My heart at spring.

Tonight it is spring.

The time of mourning my dead flesh, mind, and heart is short this year.

On this night spring is here- at the dead of winter.

Tonight a breeze meanders between my legs during the widest steps.

It follows as I look skyward to see vibrant palms and trees- they quiver with my pleasure.

Framed by a clear violet sky they appear as grand paper silhouettes; black.

They gauge the nearness of the stars.

I aspire.

aspire.

aspire.

I do lose my focus- the stars are nearer than my palms.

3am is ALWAYS the appropriate time to walk to 711 and buy cigarettes.

I had a truly fantastic day today. The sky was blue, the leaves were bright, orange, yellow, red. Slight breeze on the walk to work. I listened to all my favorite songs on the job. It was pay day.

Harmony had followed me once again.

Then I began to fall. My mind changed back on to the frequency of bad thoughts. I started looking up statistics. I saw stereotypes, articles on race wars, numbers on increasing infidelity. I have now the visions of being backed into the corner. A weak world has forced me into for a second believing that I should ignore openness and remain in one place, stick to the familiar, stop the beating of my adventurous heart. Maybe the good in people is not the same a whole world around. Maybe I should live in my neighborhood afraid to step foot out of county lines for fear of what monsters are made in factories with big bold letters that spell out foreign words.

There are soulless men that will be condescending towards me. foreigners that will ignore me. Everywhere else is a land of whores built and programmed to deceive. Or is it a lie to myself. Who am I to say that they are wrong and that they should desist.

I have spoken down to my wise and noble elders, I have ignored my fellow man, and I have cheated on women that looked much like you.

I should embrace a walk into the unknown and face whatever beast I confront because I can only see my reflection and if I die it may be by the teeth of an animal of my creation and ignorance.

I ask myself. Is there respect? Is there loyalty? Is there tolerance? Is there good? Is there love?

What am I thinking…I’ve been through the cold, I’ve been cheated on, I’ve been rejected. Why am I afraid of any of this.

Fuck it. 

Weird Behavior

I’ve been walking at night lately. Usually between 10pm and 3am. I enjoy the solitude.

My life structure has become strangely free-form and suspiciously simplistic. Its cool to have a break from 22 years of busyness.

Even more bizarre is the fact that I’m more productive than ever. I’ve been reading more now than in any year of school. I’ve grown more in 3 months than whole years at a time. I’ve got a clearer idea of where, what, and how I’m going to be in the future and am shaping myself daily. Saving money is much easier.

But the means of this growth come from such weird behavior.